Goodbye 2008

There is no preparing the heart or mind for the unexpected.  There is no way to do it because we never expect the unexpected to happen to us.  Sure, we know it could but we are so surprised when it does.  I certainly did not expect cancer to be connected with my name this year and even more surprised to learn that I had two not one form of cancer.  YIKES.  I remember and always will literally trembling with fear when I received both calls.  We may not be able to prepare our heart and mind for such news but we can spiritually be prepared and I am so very thankful that I was!

My faith, hope and confidence has been in God for a very long time.  In the Fall of 1973 I trusted in the finished work of Christ on the cross and accepted Him as my Savior.  I would like to say He has been my Lord since the Fall of 1973 but I am afraid that has been something I have been learning over the years.  His Lordship can be learned during the highs and lows of life but most of the time it has been the lows that have drawn me closer to Him.    We just go on happily living our lives during the highs and during the lows we cry out in our pain.  Those lows have come to me in many forms that I have felt so strongly would totally break me and my heart in a million pieces…too many pieces to be gathered up and glued back together again, but He did.  He healed my broken heart and breathed new life into me and always, always “strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow…” as the song says.  Great Is His Faithfulness.

I testify to anyone reading this blog that God has ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS been faithful to me.  Let His name alone be praised…because it truly is all about HIM.  When we are His child we can count on the fact that He will always be faithful because of who HE IS.  HIS character is faultless and true. 

I have learned how sweet it is to rest in Him.  Getting to that resting point is not easy because we want to handle things our way, as if we can be successful at that!  There is nothing like truly finding out that you are not in control of _________.  You fill in the blank.  It brought me right to where I needed to be, once again placing my trust in God.  I told myself many times this past year that since He loved me enough to save my soul and I put my faith in Him to do that, I could very easily trust Him with the day to day living of my life on this earth.  And when I face my journey that He will walk just as faithfully with me then too.

One of the biggest Lordship issues has been focusing on living my life without the fear of what the future might bring .  Will I have a reoccurrence of cancer?  I don’t know but what I do know is that living in that kind of worry and fear is a waste of my time and my life.  He has given me today to live so that is what I am doing.  We are all terminal.  We are all dying.  The time and manner is out of my hands and once again in the hands of someone who loved me so much that He saved my soul.  I can trust Him with my future.

Both cancers could have easily been missed.  The thyroid cancer was missed during biopsy and found when my Christ loving Dr. decided to take a second look during my December 28, 2007 parathyroid surgery.  The breast cancer was too small to be felt.  A Dr. told me that he was surprised the person reading the scan or film even saw it.  All through this year God’s hand has been very evident.  Leading and guiding the Drs.  It has been an amazing journey.  On one hand I can’t say that I have enjoyed this.  I would never sign up for something like this but God has never been more precious and real to me.  There have been eternal riches that I would not have experienced any other way than walking this path.  Those are things I would not trade for all the money in the world. 

I am a thankful woman.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I thank God most of all.  I thank Him for people who have loved me and have been so expressive of that love in so many ways, mostly in prayer.  Thank you so very much.  God bless you.

Jude 1:24

To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy – to the only God, our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages now and forevermore! Amen.

Love,

Carmel

Celebrating Good News

Curt and I are gloriously thankful people tonight and have the best news possible.  As far as we know I am totally cancer free.  After my total body scan this morning checking for any additional thyroid cancer cells Dr. Boll came in and reported none were found anywhere.  We felt like we have been given the best possible Christmas gift this year from our Savior’s ever faithful and loving hands.  What a super way to end this year.  My heart can hardly take it all in.   This morning when I was praying I just asked God to direct Dr. Boll in the decision that was best for me, expecting he would ere on the side of being super safe and give me the radioactive iodine no matter what.   And something else that occurred to me this afternoon afterwards is all of this was done without me ever having the first full dose.  God took care of it with a lesser dose which long term is better for my body. 

Next year I will have to have another scan with the prep beforehand or with two shots that would replace the prep.  It would be my choice but it will depend on where we are in our deductible that will probably make up our minds considering all of that.  He explained he likes two negative scans before feeling more comfortable about it all and spreading further scans out over time, if we understood him correctly. 

I am off the diet and beginning back on my thyroid hormone and can eat what I want.  Yesssssss.  I am so glad to be back on the thyroid hormone because as I was sitting up after the scan I had one major charlie horse that I never thought would let up.  The tech said that was due to my body needing and craving the thyroid hormone.  That answered my question of if my toes curling up the other evening had anything to do with this.

Now I rest and get stronger and enjoy our Christmas with family instead of isolated.  This news is our very best Christmas gift from God.

I have some idea how Mary felt when her heart exploded with praise in Luke 1:46 & 47 after considering that God had given her the honor of being the mother of her Savior (what an amazing thought that is…she was His mother and He was her son and SAVIOR)…

My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has  been mindful of the humble state of his servant.

Grateful to my Savior.  And more thankful than my heart can express for all the prayers from many precious people.  Yes, that would be YOU!

Love,

Carmel

I’ve Done It Again

The title is not what you think.  I have misunderstood again is what I mean.  Fancy that!   I misread the paper they gave me on when I do what.  It reads 12-8-08 Dose for I-131 Scan, 2 p.m. at Memorial Nuclear Medicine.  What it really means is that I go in take a small dose of the I-131 to prepare for the full body scan on Thursday.  The dose I took today is going to show them IF there are any thyroid cancer cells left and if so where they are.  Praying, praying, praying there won’t be any detected.  If there are not then I was told I would not have to take the larger dose after the scan on Thursday.  Yes, I am still on my diet until then or the day after…RATS!  So, here I am and not done yet but oh so close to the finish line for now.  I am finding out how disciplined I can be with eating when the steaks mmmmmm are high.  I wish!  So, that is my little update.  I am finding Him so faithful and have so much peace at this stage of the game.  I just want FOOD, something other than a salad without dressing or fruit.  But, thank you Lord for it all.  I am going to climb in a comfy chair and try to read some of the lovely Psalms if I can get my eyes to focus.  I am finding that to be an issue too.

As you read the following portion of Psalm 140:7 take time to apply it but also chuckle over where my “head” is at right now.

O God, the Lord, the strength of my salvation, thou hast covered my head in the day of battle. 

He is so good.

Love,

Carmel

Honestly

A quick post tonight before I call it a day.  I am bone tired and ready for Monday to come quickly.  Today I had a 9:00am appointment for my yearly GYN appointment and while waiting for the Dr. to come in for the exam I layed down on the table because it was too exhausting to sit up and wait for her.  Then I started to think of the long list in my mind of everything that my body has welcomed with so many prayers this year with the goal that my health will be restored and that cancer will be a thing of the past. I can’t explain it but I just felt the weight of a full year of treatments weighing down on me and wondered how much more I can take.  I am so ready to be done with all of this.  I could just feel the weight of it all and my body saying “enough already.” 

All year long I have run to the Lord to climb His Lord’s lap with every hurt, fear and worry and have done my best to rest in Him.  I am doing it again now.  There have been times I have been able to rest comfortably and other times I have climbed off for awhile leaving the comfort and peace He provides to try to handle things on my own only to scurry back up.  I hope that I am closer to learning how to just stay and accept the rest that only He can give.

Isaiah 40:31

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.

I am ready to walk, run and soar!

Love,

Carmel

Favorite Child

Time to poke my head up and say hi!  I’m still here preparing and waiting for Monday the 8th.  I am doing so with immeasurable peace in my heart and am so thankful for that.  I’m not caught up in any worry about swallowing another radioactive pill or what the future holds.  It is such a wonderful place to be after many months of all of the what-ifs.  Thank you, Lord for being so patient and walking me through to this better place.

I am in the midst of remembering that this diet that I am on although so good for my body to some degree is not fun, do-able but not fun.   My body is getting so hungry for iodine and sodium and being deprived is just what the Dr. ordered but I tell you the day after Thanksgiving when I went on the diet I wanted everything I could not have, of course!  I want some hot chocolate,  spaghetti, hot beef sandwich with mashed potatoes, something for breakfast other than oatmeal or fruit and on and on.  It’s ok though.  By doing this the procedure will be more apt to succeed.

My body is feeling like lead.  I  feel that tired, a deep tired.   Also had an episode yesterday where my feet were cramping while I was in the kitchen.  I wonder if that is no sodium/iodine related?

My heart continues to celebrate Thanksgiving as I think back over this year.  I really feel like it has been one long treatment over these months…going from biopsies, tests,  surgery, recuperation, surgery, recuperation, radiation, radioactive iodine, another radioactive iodine with some Drs. appointments in between BUT I am blessed.  I am here.  God has cradled me in His arms every step of the way and filled my heart with treasures in His word that seemed like they were just mine alone.  Isn’t that one of the wonderful things about Him?  I/you find  something from Him through His word or as you are praying and it makes me/you feel so special…like it is just for me/you?  Well, I guess it is.  He makes me feel like I am His favorite child.  Please don’t take that wrong…I know I am not but that is the kind of Father He is.  He can love us all and at the same time  make us feel that special to Him.

Once again as I think of the many who have prayed and are praying for me I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving in my heart for you.  Knowing that there are those who have and are lifting me up is humbling and so precious to me.  What an awesome Father to give us such an awesome family.

On the practical side, I may post one more time before the big event.  After the big event I will ask Curt to post on my behalf.  I will not be in this office for at least two weeks maybe a little bit longer depending on what the Dr. says.  I am always ultra careful.  I take what he says and add my own little bit of insurance.

Psalm 136:1

Oh, give thanks unto the Lord, for He is good; for His mercy endures forever!

Love,

Carmel

Oooops

I just eeked by being a new face on America’s Most Wanted today.  First some background…

I got up extra early to go downtown with Curt to an early morning appointment he had so I could then scoot over to Navarre/Dr. Ansari’s office to have my blood drawn.  When I had my first appointment with Dr. Ansari he told me I might want to consider being a part of a study group on breast cancer.  I said yes and so 4 times a year I have to have my blood drawn to participate.  Ok, that is why I was downtown.

Curt’s appointment took place at the South Bend Chocolate Company.  Yum.  While he was occupied I went to order a bagel and some hot chocolate.  After receiving my goodies I took my tray to where I planned on sitting to enjoy them.  The person that had waited on me came up behind me and said “Maam, do you plan on paying for that?”  Red face.   Would it do any good to tell her that part of going hypothyroid is foggy thinking?????  Probably not.  Too much information.  So, instead I followed her back to the cash register and paid my bill.  I told her that I knew it was not free day at the Chocolate Cafe.  She looked at me pretty much dead pan and said nothing.  Ohhhh K.  By the way, there was a gentleman who was sitting close enough to where I intended to sit and heard this whole thing and had a nice little laugh over it.  I did not laugh then but I have since.   

I was so tired getting up as early as I did so once we got back home I went to bed and slept until around 12:30pm.  Feel more refreshed now and am thankful for the rest.

Matthew 11:28

Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Love,

Carmel

Feeling Fine

I am five days into withdrawing from my thyroid medicine and am feeling fine.  No complaints.  I have a long way to go and know that as the time goes by I will become more tired and not feel like myself.  Thankfully, when I am tired I can rest because I work with Curt out of our home.  What a blessing that is!

I am feeling so very thankful for everything.  God has been so near and dear.  After 52 years on this earth (closer to 53) I feel closer to him than ever.  I know I am not near where I need to be, but I have made progress, praise his name.  I know how faithful he is.  I have experienced his faithfulness through many storms in my life.  Each time he has fulfilled each promise to me.  I love him and will forever trust him.

Psalm 91:1&2

You who sit down in the High God’s presence, spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow, Say this: “God, you’re my refuge.  I trust in you and I’m safe!”

Love,

Carmel

Another Dose Scheduled

I have received my schedule for the second treatment of I-131.  It all begins on November 1st when I stop taking my thyroid medicine.  I begin my “holiday diet” on November 28th.  I am thinking during the season when I would normally gain weight I will be losing…at least that is what I did when I had my first “dose”.  Hey, maybe this won’t be so bad after all!   I am to receive my dose on the 8th of December around 2:00pm then I return for a I-131 Scan on the 11th of December at 8am.

I hope that my body will tolerate this treatment well and also that I will be stronger going into it than the last time.  It makes sense to me that I would be.  Last time I had gone through 3 surgeries and radiation treatment for the breast cancer prior to the 1st treatment.  I am expecting the best…any left over cancerous thyroid cells gone for good!

God continues to teach me and comfort me.  I really really think I have turned a corner with his help in this whole “I wonder if this is the last time I will face cancer?” journey that I have been on since being diagnosed.  Although what I feel and think is normal  under the circumstances, it is also a horrible way to live.  So, with God’s help I am living my life…being thankful that he has given me another day to live and knowing it is his purpose.  He is not finished with me yet.  God, give me the strength and wisdom to live each day for you, open to what you have for me each day. 

Psalm 16:5

You, O Lord are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; you maintain my lot.  =  God provides for each one of us in our time of need.  Isn’t it so silly that we worry and fret so when we have the promises in his word like this one?  There we go being human again!

Love,

Carmel

Kathy

For those of you who have read my blog and want to know more about Kathy Hummer, I have a blog address for you.  I highly recommend that you take time to visit the site.  You will be blessed and inspired by her faith.  What an amazing woman and what an amazing God she points us to.  The address is www.caringbridge.org.  Once there you can type in her name…kathyhummer and it will take you to her site.  You can also check a small box somewhere on her site to sign up for automatic updates that will be sent to your email address when she writes something new.

Kathy has been such an inspiration to me, reminding me that no matter what is happening in our lives we are to praise God.  She does it so well during such a difficult time in her own life.  God is using her in my life along with his word to help me learn this lesson.

I am doing well, taking one day at a time which is a good thing.  Not always easy but God says we should so who am I to argue?

Psalm 113:3

From the rising of the sun to the setting of the same, the Lord’s name is to be praised.

Love,

Carmel

Hmmm, I Misunderstood

I made a call to my nuclear med Dr. last week to find out if I still need another I-131 treatment at the end of the year.  I wanted to know because I noticed that my thyroglobulin level was much lower after having a blood test that was checking for that plus my T3 & T4 levels and TSH.

One of the techs explained that yes I do want to have another treatment or she suggested that I consider it.  The thyroglobulin level although lower (which is great) is not as accurate as it could be because I am on thyroid medicine now.  Prior to having the nuclear treatment I had been off the thyroid medicine so it is not “apples for apples” comparison.

The following is what I misunderstood.  When I had a full body scan around the time of my treatment I was told they found nothing microscopic anywhere else in my body…no additional thyroid cancer cells.  What a relief.  Well, that is not necessarily true.  I was given a smaller dose of the I-131 so the uptake would have gone to the remaining thyroid tissue in my neck without any extra being available to go to other places in my body if there should be thyroid cancer cells present.   We will know for sure after I have my next full body scan in December if and where other cells might be present.

Initially upon hearing this I felt like throwing the telephone out of the window.  It burst what little bubble of comfort I had in my mind.  I am such a slow learner.  Back to the truth in his word and time to take a walk down the memory lane of his faithfulness to me through this journey.

Matthew 6:34 (MSG)

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.  God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Love,

Carmel